lessons in loneliness, or something like that

Tie Back Bodysuit by LNA via Shopbop, Vegan Leather Pants by Blank Denim via Shopbop

It is officially Easter Break here which means two things: A month long break away from school & submissions and lots of time for me to #hustle. I wish it meant that I could hop on a plane home, like everyone else, but I figured if I held out a little while longer... it'd be more worth flying home for a month in the Summer. Thinking about that, I recall talking to friends about when I'd come home next and boy am I eating my words so hard right now when I said I wouldn't miss home so I won't be home until Christmas break. This was before flying, of course. Only an overly ambitious emotional wreck like me would overestimate my mental capacity to be away from the comfort of home and family for so long. 

I shot these images one (rare) beautiful sunny afternoon after class with my Marta near Shepherds Bush. Maybe it was just me, jinxing the day by proclaiming of its goodness, but it was the same day I got my sunglasses snatched. For everyone who did not see my rant on my stories β€” I got it back! But not until i chased those twerps (read: twelve year old boys) around the park. I will admit that I was indeed quite upset about the incident, but not because i almost lost a pair of sunglasses. My best friends from home bought me that pair for my last birthday celebration together and it held a special sentimental value to it. And as cheesy as it sounds, it was one of my only connections to those friendships back home. I felt so small in such a huge city and even after screaming my lungs out for help no one bothered to even bat an eyelash. 

As much as London has made me more independent than I already am, I find that it has made me a lonelier person. Perhaps it's just my nostalgic self constantly revisiting old memories wishing I could relive them, but there's something about being here that makes you feel alone. (It must be the gloomy weather, I'm sure) I do miss being able to call out friends for drinks on a whim, and knowing exactly where to go and how long it'll take to get there. As you move abroad, you start to feel like friends have move ahead in their lives without you. Perhaps in some instances... it's true, but most of the time it's in your head. Life goes on and it stops for no one so your best option is to flow along with it and those who matter will stay in your life, regardless. I find that it's always very reassuring when my friends from home make the time and effort to call/text/comment and they don't know it but it means the world to me. Sometimes, life will surprise you and offer you new friendships that will make you glad you moved abroad. I have those moments all the time.

Distance is a bitch but friendships (and relationships) are stronger than that. Even long-distance relationships. Oh, don't get me started on that. My long-distance relationship has seen it rear its ugly head far too many times but at the end of the day it boils down to how much two people want to be together. And for Nic and myself, we definitely do. So if you're ever considering doing long distance the question is: is this relationship worth it?  If it is, then don't ever look back.

But then I learnt that being alone isn't such a bad thing after all. In fact, most of my time spent alone is doing things that make me happy. Whether it's cooking to β€” or attempting toβ€” recreate my favourite food from home or buying bouquets of flowers to cheer up my space. It's the little things, really. Through all these moments of solitude have I finally, after twenty-three years of existence, come to terms with a lot of my demons, my fears and my flaws. I wouldn't say that i'm over it but I know i'm getting there.  

On a final note, I've been receiving lots of Insta DMs with questions on living/studying/being in London so I thought it would be nice to compile a list of them to write a post about it. So, if you have a question on what it's like to live/study in London, comment below or drop me an email at trishnagoklani@gmail.com