Diary of an Anxious Girl — The Dream

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I'm not going to sugarcoat things. I'm not going to sit here and talk about how wonderful life has been and how London has got it going on for me. It has, but not all the time. I wake up every day with a sense of purpose. It seems that over the months the drive that stemmed from passion and fire slowly and silently morphed into fear. Fear of not being enough. Fear of lagging behind. Fear of mediocrity.

But sometimes I have to remind myself: At twenty-three years old, I have conquered a lot. I have built a name for myself from scratch. Back when social media and the digital age was on the brink of becoming what it is now — the tool for every savvy millennial — making everyone and anyone a tastemaker in their right. But back then, I had nothing. and I built myself out from nothing but dreams of someday 'making it'.

Nobody knows what 'it' ever is. How would you define your success? Actors and Actresses on TV are described by their achievements in terms of awards... "two-time Oscar-winning...." But how far do you need to go to say you've made it? how many awards and groundbreaking movies do you have to chase after before you stop and say — this is it. I've made it.

I built myself up from absolutely nothing, with my eagerness to learn and gain from the people around me and my hunger and desire to create. Only now have I realised that fashion and design have only been the mediums in which I yearn to create. The very heart and soul of my being thrives in creating, building something out of nothing — much like I have with myself. And as much as it is exciting and thrilling to be free to commit to everything under the sun, I find myself lost and anxious — every now and then — asking myself this

What next?

I can safely say that today, I'm stronger, smarter and well-equipped with experienced but I still find myself harbouring thoughts that drown me in the quietest of moments. I tell people (and myself), "I came to London to chase my dreams!" but I find myself questioning what these dreams really mean or what they are. Over the years, I've come to accept the unpleasant experiences I had growing up as nothing but other people's ignorance and lack of empathy but now, now I find that these issues of misrepresentation are the very things that fuel my desire to continually make a difference and in doing so — build a name for myself. Or rather, add to the foundation that I've so painstakingly built, brick by brick. So that someday, I can look back and see a community (wherever in the world I may be) that is beautiful and thriving.